The Funniest Thing I Never Wrote

As some of you know, one of my goals this year is to write one short story per month. Part of this is to stretch my writing muscles, part of it is to have some “play” time away from novel writing, and another part of it is to have something I could use to stock the shelves of my Bookstore.

Last week, I started in on my Story of the Month. I had a first line ready to go (thanks to the fine folks at The First Line Literary Journal) and I had a vague idea of the story I wanted to create from that line, but I wasn’t quite sure what tidbits I wanted to include in the story.

Okay, maybe I just wanted to procrastinate.

Anyway, I went over to my favorite plot/idea/character generator over on WritingExercises.co.uk (a great tool for teachers as well as writers, by the way). It pooped out something I could play with, but you know, when the procrastination train arrives, you might as well hop a ride.

So, I did a search for “short story plot generator”. Not surprisingly, there were a gob of hits. For no reason in particular I clicked on one and my day took a turn for the funnier!

The site was PlotGenerator.co.uk (yes, another “.co.uk”…do Brits have a tough time coming up with story ideas?). You’re basically given a bunch of drop down menus, randomly generated words (adjectives, body parts, emotions, etc.) and then the little monkeys turn the crank and a story pops out the other end.

And OMG, the story that came out from my choices had me laughing so hard I could barely speak!

So, if you have any incontinence issues, slap on a fresh diaper because I now present to you…

The Funniest Story I Never Wrote

(I’ve marked my favorite bits in bold italics)….

May Smith looked at the piano in her hands and felt relaxed.

She walked over to the window and reflected on her sleepy surroundings. She had always loved noisy Exeter with its knowledgeable, knobby kettles. It was a place that encouraged her tendency to feel relaxed.

Then she saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Pete Ball. Pete was a gracious muppet with dirty elbows and grubby warts.

May gulped. She glanced at her own reflection. She was a splendid, witty, cocoa drinker with slimy elbows and fragile warts. Her friends saw her as a thoughtful, tired teacher. Once, she had even helped a voiceless old lady cross the road.

But not even a splendid person who had once helped a voiceless old lady cross the road, was prepared for what Pete had in store today.

The wind blew like cooking rats, making May angry.

As May stepped outside and Pete came closer, she could see the unlawful glint in his eye.

“I am here because I want affection,” Pete bellowed, in a forgetful tone. He slammed his fist against May’s chest, with the force of 3921 aardvarks. “I frigging hate you, May Smith.”

May looked back, even more angry and still fingering the piano. “Pete, I admire your eyebrows,” she replied.

They looked at each other with afraid feelings, like two bright, breezy bears laughing at a very snotty disco, which had orchestral music playing in the background and two generous uncles cooking to the beat.

May regarded Pete’s dirty elbows and grubby warts. She held out her hand. “Let’s not fight,” she whispered, gently.

“Hmph,” pondered Pete.

“Please?” begged May with puppy dog eyes.

Pete looked stable, his body blushing like a squiggly, spicy sandwich.

Then Pete came inside for a nice mug of cocoa.

THE END

***

If you want to create your own non-sensical, gut-busting tale, head over to PlotGenerator.co.uk and have some fun! And yes, you are required to post your results in a comment below!!

And if you want a taste of my “real” (but much less hilariously silly) stories, be sure to stop by my Bookstore.

 

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

Smiley header image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay