The War on Adverbs. Bring It On!

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As always, news before the good stuff…

BOOK SALE

For a limited time, I’ve dropped the price on the e-book version of 13th Hour to 99 cents.

That’s right, for less than a buck, you can get 17 super stories about addiction to dreams, revenge against cheating spouses, creepy ocean monsters, a day in the life of the gods and so much more. All you have to do is head over to Smashwords where with one purchase you can get an e-book for (almost) whatever format of e-book reading device or app you use. Even your computer will work if you download the PDF! How cool is that?

To get your super cheap reading entertainment click here or visit:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/303420

And now what you’ve all been waiting for….

THE WAR ON ADVERBS

That’s right bring it on! Who started this war? Twitter. Well, actually it was tweeting captain at Writer’s Digest. See, a couple days ago they tweeted,

“Remove all the adverbs from your writing. Yes, even the ones that really work.”

If you’re as big a smart ass as I am, you see the flaw in this tweet (besides the stupid advice). My response to this tweet:

“I like how the anti-adverb tweet uses an adverb.”

This earned a handful of favorites and one response that said:

“just an example of how if the adverb is removed nothing is lost.”

As you know from my writing advice post, I disagree.

See, if Writer’s Digest was simply using “really” in that tweet, well, that just makes them look dumb, which I hope they’re not because I just started a subscription to the magazine. But if they were using “really” ironically, well that’s different and kind of funny. This proves that adverbs do have their place in writing.

Using = You look dumb and like you’re not following you’re own advice.

Using ironically = I’m entertained at WD’s wry humor.

Adverbs are not this evil entity that needs to be eradicated from the planet (that would be Monsanto). They have their function and, used properly (see how that adverb had a purpose?), can give readers a clue as to how to interpret a statement or actions.

Instead of banning the adverb, think of using it as you would salt. The right amount of salt added at the right time enhances a dish, but too much salt will leave your diners gagging and never wanting to eat your food again. Same with adverbs, unless you’re trying to do an homage to Stephanie Meyer (whose every other word seems to be an adverb). Using them with a light hand and placing them at the right time will enhance your writing, too many adverbs will have your readers rolling their eyes, not wanting to read your work again and probably gagging too.

The thing adverbs can do is allow you to use a common verb, and improve it. Yes, you could go delving into your thesaurus for a fancy verb that hones in on the same idea, but personally I think overloading your work with confusing, little used verbs makes your work less “accessible” to readers. I would much rather read “the man laughed heartily” than “the man guffawed.” What the hell is a guffaw? It sounds like some type of shore bird.

How do you know when an adverb isn’t needed? Read the sentence without the adverb. If you’re still getting the same message across, dumb the adverb so you can use one elsewhere with more impact.

So, join me in my battle to take this stigma away from adverbs. Show they are useful in writing by using them sparingly, correctly and, yes, even ironically. Go forth my troops and take your adverbs with you!

What’s your opinion on adverbs? Let others know your passion or distaste for these poor little words by commenting below.

UPDATES

The Garden Remodel is still going strong. See what’s up at The Sassy Garden Girl, where I’ll tell you to sod off and give you an update on the bees.

Speaking of gardens, I’m about two-thirds of the way done with a new non-fiction book on gardening with native plants. Stay tuned and I’ll post a few excerpts on my Works In Progress page.

And speaking of new books, I went and did it. I said I wouldn’t, but I did. I started a new novel. This one takes the myths surrounding Hercules and puts them in the modern world where old Herc not only battles crazy beast, but also struggles with his own sanity (‘coz, I mean, it’d be pretty nuts to think you’re Hercules, right?). Again, I’ll soon post an excerpt on the Works In Progress page.

So, You Wanna Write for Magazines…And, BIRTHDAY SPECIAL!!

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Before my take on magazine writing begins, let’s get announcements and business out of the way (do I sound like the principal at a high school assembly, or what?)…

MOTHER’S DAY SPECIAL – 50% DISCOUNT

To celebrate Mother’s Day (and my birthday), I’m offering Simply Soft Cheese e-books for 50% off. That’s a mere $1.50 for a dozen tasty (and super easy) cheese recipes you (or your wonderful mom who loves to cook) can make at home plus additional recipes for using that homemade creation.

Simply visit Simply Soft Cheese’s Smashwords page and enter the Coupon Code NE56P at checkout to receive your 50% discount.

TO THE GARDENERS OUT THERE

Garden fanatics should really head over to The Sassy Garden Girl for an update on my bees and to take a trip through the Limahuli Botanical Garden of Kauai.

JUST LABS ARTICLE

One of my final magazine articles I submitted before delving into my New Year’s Resolution has hit the shelves.  My article “Why Is My Lab Going Bald” is in the May 2013 issue of Just Labs magazine. If you can’t find the magazine, their site has a handy dandy article archive. My article isn’t in there yet, but it should be soon.

AND SINCE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT MAGAZINES…

Everything you wanted to know about magazine writing. Okay, well, not really, just my advice and thoughts.

If you’re going to write for a living, it’s probably going to be a bit before your books start cranking out enough cash to sustain the lavish lifestyle of a writer (continual coffee infusions add up). So you’re going to have to find a way to make money (preferably legally, but I won’t judge). If you don’t have a day job, you’ll probably look toward article writing as a source of income. This is either going to take the form of magazines or Interwebs (or both) since we all know newspapers are on a fast downward spiral.

Let’s start with a few pros and cons of the magazine world.

Pros

  • Your name in print! How cool is that? I publish at least 10 articles online each week, but no one really gives a rat’s ass about them. Friends and family always want to see my magazine articles. At least I think they want to see them, perhaps I shouldn’t force my contributor copies on them saying “LOOK! IT’S ME!!!”
  • HUGE checks. Yes, I have thrown out an article or two for $50, but for the most part magazines pay really, really, really well. My web articles throw about $30 each into my Paypal account and this is considered one of the higher paying online jobs. So getting a $700 check for a single magazine article, hells yeah!
  • Writing what interests you. If you query a magazine, it’s (I hope) with an idea that struck you as something you wanted to share or look further into. Yes, there are websites like Yahoo Voices where you can write what you want, but they don’t pay squat unless you’ve truly impressed someone. The website I write for, you pick from a list of articles. They may or may not interest me (this is what I refer to as being a writing whore).

And the cons…

  • It takes A LOT of time to get paid. From query letter to actually receiving a check can take anywhere from 3 (if you are very lucky) to 12 months. I’ve actually had articles accepted that weren’t published for over 18 months and then I still had to wait for the check. Web articles, I get paid within days of their publication.
  • It’s a time-sucking crap shoot. You can have what you think is a fabulous idea and a well-written query, but magazine space is super tiny compared to the monstrous amounts of writers wanting to fill it. This means you are going to spend (or waste, depending on how you look at it) a lot of time sending out a lot of queries that aren’t going to earn you any money. With web writing I select an article, do it within an hour or so, submit and within 72 hours it’s accepted (99.99% of the time). No time wasted (99.99% of the time).

Still want to write for magazines? Yeah, you probably do. As with writing in general, there are some rules that are made to be broken in the world of magazines…

RULE: Don’t write the article first.

MY TAKE: No, you don’t want to do interviews, take photos and polish your article to perfection, but it’s okay to write out a rough draft of an article before you query. This gives you an idea of word count, you can submit an outline of the article (editor’s LOVE that) and you’re ahead of the game if the article gets accepted (trust me, from the time of querying to the time of acceptance you may forget what it was you wanted to write).

RULE: No simultaneous submissions.

MY TAKE: Really? Are you Stephen Hawking who could write the alphabet and it would be published (well, it probably would be published because that would be quite a feat for him)? No? Then the chances of your query being accepted are about 1 in 10,000 (or less). The only way you’re going to increase those odds is by sending the query to more than one magazine. The caveat here is to NOT send it to magazines under the same publisher. For example, Mother Earth News is under Ogden, so don’t send the same query to another Odgen publication like Herb Companion. That’s just good sense.

RULE: Never send anything on spec.

MY TAKE: “On spec” means you send a completed article (not a rough draft) to a magazine for them to give the yea or nay to. Many, many, many writing advisors say not to do this. I say, why not? No, I’m not going to invest a butt load of time on interviews or specialty research for an on spec piece, but if it’s a topic I’m familiar with (such as gardening) and I can write the article in under a couple hours, what am I losing if the magazine wants to see it on spec? Nothing (I can market the article elsewhere if they say no), but I would be losing a nice chunk of cash if I don’t send it at all.

The key here is to not send out unwanted articles and not to send them to magazines that specifically state they don’t take articles on spec (they mean it). Before sending your article, send a quick query first to see if the editor wants to see the piece, then write the article and send it in (preferably within a few days of the editor saying “hell, yes, I want to see your work.”). I’ve made quite a lot of money on articles that were sent on spec and only had one article that ended up not being a fit for the magazine.

RULE: Proofread the query and use the editor’s name.

MY TAKE: YES, a million times YES. With the magic of the internet it’s not hard to do a quick search for “Magazine name” + editor to find out who you should be sending the query to. Granted, the main editor may not be the one reading your query, but it looks more professional than heading your query with “Dear Sir or Madam” or something like that. And DO NOT rely on the Writer’s Market for who to send queries to. That thing is outdated by the time it’s published and magazines get new editors more often than Taylor Swift gets new boyfriends. Can’t find the editor’s name, just leave the salutation blank, it looks better than a generic “To Whom It May Concern” line.

Of course you’re going to proofread your query (yes you are!), but this is especially important if you’re going to be a rule breaker and send simultaneous queries. You do not want to send a letter to Mr. Smith at XYZ Magazine and realize you forgot to change the salutation from the previous query you just sent to Mrs. Jones at ABC Magazine. It’s embarrassing (oh, so embarrassing) and will get your query rejected faster than Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend gets dumped. This is especially important when sending email queries where mistakes can be harder to catch.

RULE: Research several issues of the magazine to get a feel for what they want.

MY TAKE: I’ve actually had more queries accepted for magazines I’ve never even heard of or seen on the shelf than for the magazines I actually bothered to research. That may sound unprofessional and cocky, but it’s true. I do always give the magazine’s website a quick scan, but this isn’t a deep questioning into who writes for the magazine, what is the tone, etc. Most writer’s guidelines will give you a strong indication of the magazine’s style and what departments are open to freelancers.

RULE: Send clips and a SASE along with your query.

MY TAKE: No. Unless the guidelines specifically ask you to, do not send anything more than the query. Waste an editor’s time or fill up her Inbox with unwanted attachments and you might as well have not sent the query at all. Instead, mention at the end of your query a few magazines (or websites) you’ve written for and say “clips can be provided if you’d like to see my work.”

If you’re forced to send a snail mail query (some editors like this because it cuts down on the riff raff), don’t bother with the SASE (self-addressed stamped envelope). First, it adds bulk and makes your letter cost more to send. Second, I have had editors who never responded despite sending them a SASE so I not only wasted the query postage, but also the SASE postage (this was one of those magazines I bothered to research, teach me my own lesson!). Third, if a magazine wants your article, they will send you a letter (or contract), email you or perhaps phone you; I doubt any query has been rejected based on the lack of a SASE (if it has you probably don’t want to write for that magazine because they will be a pain in the ass to work for).

If you can’t pull away from the idea of a SASE, use a self-addressed stamped postcard. On it you can put a message something like: “Thank you, we ACCEPT/REJECT your article.” The editor can simply circle the REJECT (because if he accepts, you’ll get a real letter back) and send it back for about 12 cents less than a SASE.

I’m sure there’s more, but the weather is too nice to sit inside typing so I’ll stop there.

Do you have any additional Magazine Writing Rules that you break? If so, send them in a comment below!

 

Sorry About That…

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To all my super fab subscribers,

Sorry, I hit PUBLISH before giving that last post a title (working backwards is never a good idea for me). It should have been “No, I’m Not Dead,” not “743.” However, if you play those as lottery numbers and they win, you totes owe me!

Til next week,

Tammie

No, I’m Not Dead.

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I know all of you were rushing out to buy my books because you thought I was dead and were thinking something along the lines of “Oooh, these will be worth something now!” Sorry to tell you, I’m alive (but thanks for shopping, better luck next time).

I’ve been on vacation to Kauai, Hawaii. Vacation basically means, I pack up all kinds of writing notebooks, print out notes and research, and select my favorite pens with the mindset that I’ll have all this wonderful time without housework, without pet care, without other writing work to crank out page after page of my next novel or non-fiction book.

But, the best laid plans are, well, at least they got laid!

My writing total on vacation included a list of characters, a brief outline, a tad bit of research done while Mr. Husband was sleeping in and one, yes ONE, page of the actual story. Sigh…

DSCN2039

My stereotypical Hawaiian rainbow photo.

I tried to make up for this a bit on the plane trip back to civilization where I managed to add another five whole pages before the brain-melting boredom of being trapped in a tube of death (aka “airplane”) left me unable to do anything more creative than playing Jewel Quest on my iPad. Seriously, when you start getting excited over a cart full of soft drinks coming down the aisle and you don’t mind waiting in line to use the toilet because at least it’s something to do, you are BORED.

Now, if you recall, I am in the midst of my first year of trying to keep bees to help fuel my honey addiction (if you don’t recall, click HERE). And you will also recall I am too cheap to buy bees (see HERE) so I was trying to attract a feral swarm of bees to my hive using lemongrass oil.

I was not having much success. One, yes ONE, bee came to check out the hive…this seemed about as productive as writing while on vacation.

Or maybe not…

While on vacation I was intermittently – thanks to rather shoddy WiFi & cellular connections in the tropics – in contact with my mom who takes over our house while we go on vacation. On 24 April I got several frantic emails and phone messages from my mom that summed up to, “YOUR YARD IS FULL OF BEES!! WHAT DO I DO??!!”

Hmmm…guess the lemongrass oil really does work. And to be honest, I had no idea what she should do. She already seemed to have panic your ass off down without my help.

I gave her the number for the place where I bought the hive and asked her to find out what was normal and that they would help if anything was going wrong. Okay, I didn’t really know if they would help, but it’s okay to lie in a crisis situation.

Turns out they did help and all settled down the next day once the girls settled into their new sorority house. After escaping tube of death number 2 (SFO to PDX) and getting home myself, I went to check out my bees. My totally free, no purchase necessary bees, mind you!

There they were all clustered in a big ball. I thought, cool. And then my husband said, “But they’re just in a ball. Shouldn’t they be building comb or something?” Thanks Mr. KillJoy. After delving into some beekeeping books I learned it takes about 7 to 10 days to really get the comb building going. In the meantime, the bees were zipping in and out of the hive like, well, like busy bees.

Busy as a bee...or rather hundreds of bees.

Busy as a bee…or rather hundreds of bees.

Yesterday, in addition to being my grandma’s birthday, was Day 9 of Project Bee. I peeked inside the observation window and holy hell, COMB!!! I ran inside, yelling “Comb! We have comb!” Unfortunately, my husband was no longer upstairs so I had to run downstairs and re-yell the news, then called my mom to tell her the news which was greeted with, “You know honey is bee shit?”

It’s actually more like bee vomit. Sweet, delicious bee vomit…(insert picture of Homer Simpson drooling here)

So, even though I didn’t get an entire book or even chapter written while on vacation, at least I managed to enslave some workers to make me honey. I wonder if I can get them to write for me?

How Long Does It Take to Finish A Book?

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I know you’re on the edge of your seat waiting for my guru-like wisdom on how long it takes to finish a book, but first, this week’s news (all about me, because, well, you know, its all about me…after all, it’s not called TammiePainter.com for nothing).

NEWS

Simply Soft Cheese is now available on Smashwords. This is super news for you e-book fans because now the book can be purchased once and used on a wide range of e-book readers and apps. Of course, for those of you who (like me) prefer the hand-on-ness of print books, Amazon and Createspace has what you’re looking for.

AND NOW…

How long should it take to finish a book?

Many writers jumping into the literary world, ask themselves this. Perhaps they even search online for the answer. Writers’ magazines, when spotlighting new authors list how long it took them to complete their book. The answers, wherever you find them, range from seven weeks to seven years. Not helpful. It’s like saying your next payday is going to be somewhere between $2 and $20,000.

The common answer is “as long as it takes.” But that doesn’t fully satisfy the questioning writer.

The truth is that infinity isn’t long enough to finish your book if you don’t sit down and write. Set a goal, set a timer, set anything to ensure you write. Do this regularly – whether it’s once a day or once a week – and eventually the pages will fill. And just remember, we don’t believe in writer’s block here so get your butt in the chair and write!

But the work doesn’t stop there. Once you’ve filled the pages, ignore your book. Use this time to look into publishing options for both print and electronic books and learn how to format both. Learn what goes into a gripping cover and then design it. If you’re hoping to go the traditional publishing route, start cruising for an agent or publisher and get a hefty list of the best matches. Oh, yeah and you need to start promoting, like yesterday (see below for one option).

Once your book is no longer fresh in your mind, slowly edit it. Go over each chapter, each paragraph, each sentence, each word with a heavy dose of scrutiny. Even if you can afford a freelance editor, you still need to do your own revising to tighten story lines, check facts and tie up loose ends.

It’s hard, you’re done, you’re excited and you’re in a rush to gift the public with your creative genius. Don’t be in rush. With my first self-published book, I made that mistake. The e-book was poorly edited, terribly formatted and the cover was awful. It was a disaster and I feel terrible for anyone who bought that first edition. Hold on, let me hang my head in shame for a moment…

So how long does it take to finish a book? Well, as long as it takes and then some. And then probably some more.

PROMOTING YOUR BOOK

This week while cruising my LinkedIn groups I noticed someone asking about promoting their work. They seemed to have no idea where to start other than making a few press releases. Which actually, now that I think about it, sending out press releases created my biggest boost in sales, so maybe I should just stop here and say, “Yeah, stick with press releases.”

Unfortunately, what works for one person doesn’t work for another and in the modern fancy pants world of computers and interwebs, you need to get your book (and your writer self) out there as much as possible. One of these possibles is Goodreads.

So what can you do on Goodreads?

Well, if you’re a writer…

  • You can set up an Author Page and become a Goodreads Author. On your profile page you can have links to your website, a blog feed and tell people all sorts of fascinating things about yourself (otherwise known as a bio).
  • When your book is ready, you can upload your book’s info such as cover and blurb. If you have an e-book version, you can include a sample for people to read. Goodreads automatically lists where the book is being sold.
  • If you have a print book, you can set up a giveaway to drum up interest in your book. Free is a great marketing ploy.
  • You can create ads for your book that will show up on targeted pages. This is pretty good for people with low marketing budgets because you can raise or lower the price of the ad based on how much money you have to toss into the Goodreads’ wallet. Personally, I haven’t seen a sales boost from these ads, but it might work for you.
  • Like other social media thingies, you can accumulate friends and base your self worth on how many invisible buddies you have.

As a reader, Goodreads is great for…

  • Giveaways! Those giveaways I mentioned above, well, you can enter other authors’ giveaways and get FREE books. I am completely addicted to this and have, so far, won seven books.
  • Reviewing books. As part of your interaction on Goodreads, you list what books you’re currently reading. When done, it’s a simple click to say “I’m done” and then rate the book. Personally, I never remember to review books on Amazon, but I always do on Goodreads.
  • Seeing what to read next. Goodreads sends out a great newsletter (you can opt out) and gives recommendations based on what you’ve read. Typically they are spot on with things I might like…unfortunately there isn’t enough time in the world fo rme to read ALL of them. Sigh…
  • You can also join in on groups and discussions.

Okay, I know Goodreads has gotten some flack for selling out to Amazon, but you know what, you have no control over it. Get over it. Eventually everything will be owned by one company anyway. And, if Idiocracy has taught me anything, that company will be Costco.

Now, go get some electrolytes.

Rough Draft’s Done – Now What?

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Before we get started, let me do a couple bits of self-promotion:

  1. Anyone who loves cheese or trying new things in the kitchen (hmm, that sounded kinky, didn’t it) should check out my brand spankin’ new Simply Soft Cheese website. On its wonderfully designed little pages (done by yours truly) you’ll find loads of cheese recipes and cheese making tips. But, of course, read this blog post first.
  2. 13th Hour is now available as an e-book on Smashwords which means you’re bound to find a format that works with your reading device or app. And, thanks to my super awesome formatting skills, Smashwords is also distributing the book to Apple’s iBookstore, Barnes & Noble, Sony, Kobo and libraries. So, yeah, yay me! Oh, and yay you, because the e-book only $1.49.

Okay, on with the show…

MY ROUGH DRAFT IS DONE!!!!!

It’s stats:

  • 386 pages
  • 119,000 words
  • 5.2 pounds

So, now what? Well, after doing the happy dance for roughly 10 minutes, I stopped when I realized that I probably killed a lot of trees with that manuscript. I then pictured little Bambi and Thumper suffering their way through a bald patch of clear cut. Sad, so sad.

Look what I gave birth to!

Look what I gave birth to!

But then I got over it and started the happy dance again. What? I’ll go plant a tree or something, leave me alone.

Now, the hard part. Following the advice of Stephen King, I must force myself to hide away my tome and separate myself from it a bit. I don’t live in any fantasy land where I believe I’ll actually forget about it (although this has happened with other projects of mine). No, the novel has many issues to sort out that I must ponder.

The biggest question is what genre? The book started out and was mostly written as a historical novel (Ancient Rome, if you’re curious), but with a little tweaking and a few mythical creatures it could totes work as a pretty cool historical fantasy novel (okay, maybe I’ve been reading too much George R.R. Martin).

The straight historical novel will require some additional research (work, work, work); the fantasy version will require pulling some mythical creatures out of my brain (ow!) but means I can fudge on some of the historical details (this so appeals to my lazy side).

So while the manuscript mellows, “Quel genre?” is the main question I’ll be considering (feel free to toss your thoughts my way, please, I beg of you!).

What am I going to do while trying to ignore my 5-pound baby? Start a new baby, of course! Gads, I sound a bit white trash, don’t I?

I’ve already outlined a new non-fiction book on gardening (hence, the new gardening blog…yeah, everything I do is about self-promotion, I’m such a whore). I plan to get cracking on that book as soon as possible.Non-fiction books pretty much write themselves, so mega-easy project.

I also have a cabinet full of other completed novels that I really should revise so they can see the light of day. The trouble is deciding which one to let out, because I just know if I let one prisoner out the rest are going to start clamoring for release. Seriously, I have too many children locked in that cabinet and some of them need to move out! Again, my white trash is showing, sorry.

And then there’s the temptation of starting another novel…the curse of having WAY too many freakin’ ideas bouncing around in my head desperately trying to convince my hand to grab a pen and put them on paper. Stop it, demons! Stop it! Quick, someone call an exorcist!

Oh, sorry…I know that was scary. It’s just, I don’t have room in this tiny office for a bigger cabinet. So I either need to getting clacking away at these manuscripts that are nagging me or find a bigger room in the house to claim as my office (hmmm…).

So, again, any insights on whether to go the straight historical route or the historical fantasy route would be uber-wonderful of you. Comment link is below, use it!

And any gardening fans, here’s links to the latest posts on The Sassy Garden Girl...

 

Bloggity Blog Update

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I’ve taking inventory of this blog’s followers and likers (is that a word?) and noticed there’s a semi-sharp division of folks who adore the gardening posts and those that are after my writing news and wisdom (shut up, I’m totally old enough to be wise).

So, here’s the deal. I started a new blog – The Sassy Garden Girl – that will deal with all things garden (in case the title didn’t give it away). It will include not only updates on the fantabulous garden remodel, but also garden tips, articles and trips to whatever botanical gardens I happen to drag my husband to. All written with my usual sarcastic attitude.

The TammiePainter blog will continue to deal with my favorite subject (me), my writing news (both good and bad) and plenty of snarky writing tips.

But what do I do if I love your gardening words? I hear you cry.

Fear not. You can either…

  • Continue to follow this blog where I’ll force myself to remember to give links to each week’s update on The Sassy Garden Girl.
  • You can visit this site obsessively and follow the update links for The Sassy Garden Girl in the left hand column
  • Or, more efficiently, head over right now to The Sassy Garden Girl and follow that blog (you’d be super fantabulous if you followed both blogs! Or a stalker, I’m not sure which).

Whatever you decide to do, you really should take a look at The Sassy Garden Girl (http://sassygardengirl.wordpress.com) because, well, I put a lot of work into it and it’s really fun and cute and DAMN IT, I said so, don’t question me…oh sorry, I was channeling my inner mom.

For all you fans of my writing posts, coming up this Friday: Rough Draft’s Done! Now What Do I Do?